Last year, after a big bad break-up and many awkward first dates, I met Jason, my first ever male BFF. I have always had male friends, but none was close enough to listen to my incessant dating mishaps and patiently dispense advice. Jason helped me see dating from the guy’s perspective. Suddenly, many puzzles become clear. The best lessons from him are compiled below, for all my girlfriends out there who haven’t found their Jason yet:
1. Timing is Really Everything
You might have heard it before, “Timing is everything.” I heard it once, I heard it twice, I heard it many times as a fan of “How I Met Your Mother.” But somehow, I had a hard time accepting it. I got frustrated when a guy enthusiastically sends me messages, proposes to meet, and then promptly backs out after I say yes. What is going on?
I used to think my intuition is wrong. Or maybe all guys are just jerks. Neither is true. Timing is the invisible barrier.
It all became clear when Jason shared with me some of his daily dating activities.
Jason was initially very enthusiastic about Megan on a dating app. He couldn’t stop talking about her: her perfect profile picture, their shared interest in a famous dog named Manny, their witty conversation, etc. But, like many other daters in a big city, he got a few dates lined up. He was meeting someone else on Saturday before the Monday date with Megan.
The unexpected happened. The Saturday lady, plain in her profile and their online banter, blew his mind in person. They ended up spending the entire weekend together. The highly anticipated Megan date was cancelled. Would Megan be a better match for Jason? We never know. But one thing for sure, it wasn’t because of his lack of interest, it was just plain bad timing.
Of course, Jason could have said to Megan, “I met someone.” But as a private person, Jason didn’t think that he was willing to share that yet – after all, this is someone he has never met.
So what do you do when you are on the receiving end of this disappointing dynamics?
Nothing, move on! If he backs out, if he doesn’t reply, it is because some timely matter has happened. Believe in yourself, it’s not you, it’s not him; it’s the timing.
2. When He Says Nothing At All
My second pet peeve is guys’ communication style, or lack thereof. Many times, I texted a complaint to a date interest, and he couldn’t utter word but silence and a sad emoticon. Nothing else, nada. The next day, he messaged me again, but already moved on to a different topic. I was very angry. He ignored me! He didn’t care enough to reply.
Jason explained to me that it wasn’t entirely the case. What probably happened was that, he didn’t know that I needed a long reply, and secondly, he didn’t know what to say to cheer me up. So he chose to be silent and came back when he thought everything was fine again. Coward, yes, but it is safe, and reasonable to the best of his knowledge. Jason told me about another encounter with the Saturday lady.
On a different date, she tripped while walking. She didn’t seem to be in pain, continued the date, but ended it earlier than usual. Jason talked to her again the next day - she was apparently upset. She expected him to notice her hurt ankle, and at least suggest some care and attention.
Jason deeply cared about her. Had he knew she was in deep pain, he would have done all of the above. But he simply didn’t know. It looked like a minor incident.
So what should you do when you are the lady in pain?
First of all, don’t get angry, he didn’t know that you were expecting strong reactions from him.
Second, make sure that he knows you are upset and request specific actions. Maybe you don’t need him to do anything at all, just a “It’ll be OK.” Then, when you cool down, tell him that a reassurance is all that you expect. He doesn’t need to move heavens and earth to make things right for you. That way, your guy won’t be in panic mode when you are upset. Nor will he be thinking that you are judging him unjustly.
A side note for all the guys out there, we, girls, tend to play down the pain, and think that he might just get it “from the context.” It is better to over-compensate than to play it down for your lady in waiting.
3. The Rule of Happiness
I used to think, why is it so hard to make him do anything for me? Am I stuck with a lazy, stubborn guy?
Jason makes me realize that all decent guys have potential and willingness. What you need to do is NOT to demand it from him, but to inspire it. How?
By making him very happy.
This sounds like some wishy-washy way of thinking, but it is true. The only way for him to be devoted to you is the happy state he feels around you. Because he is a decent guy, he’ll reciprocate, he’ll want to make you happy too.
I saw it first hand with Jason. He has always been shy about showing his emotions, and he definitely didn’t want to do any romantic gestures on display in public. But once he met Jessie, who didn’t hold back, and kissed him in a public park, Jason was so elated that he didn’t hold back, either. He didn’t care that they were in a public park – it made him happy and it made her happy. He even asked me for ideas for their next public date.
So, if your guy is not acting the way you want, make him happy, and request it. He will do it because he wants to reciprocate.
What if you already requested it, and it didn’t go anywhere?
Then, either he doesn’t want to do it, or he doesn’t know how. Your job is to give him all necessary instructions. If he is still unwilling, understand that no one is at fault here. For whatever reasons, your happiness potions didn’t mix. You can, and will, make many other guys very happy – go and find them instead, don’t linger on the one who are immune to your charms.
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Of course, it goes without saying, everyone’s situation is different. You know it better than anyone else. But these advices have helped me tremendously in cutting down the lingering times and the desperate evenings waiting for a text. Hope that they will be helpful to you too.
